East Side Public Library

East Side Public Library
The Ruins of Detroit

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Zachary Joel ButtFace

     Zach is really mean. You think he is one of those characters who is genuine and who really cares about you and who really is into what you write and all that jazz but NO! Zachary Joel Butzlaff is the spawn of SATAN. He is Lucifer's child, his beloved. The fallen angel took someone under his wing, his dark, black, soulless wing and converted him into a gremlin of hate.
     If you were to cut open one of his arteries there wouldn't be blood, no, just a poisonous spew that can melt the flesh off of any normal human being. His teeth aren't normal teeth either, they inject the spew into his victims, paralyzing them for a slow decay that manifests from the inside out. He lures his prey in by whispers of sweet nothings, taunting of the dreams and aspirations of those around him.
     He does, in fact, have horns as well. They are hidden of course, under a large cap that acts as a skull, enlarging his head tenfold. His eyeballs are those like Medusa's, one quick glance from him (only when he wishes) and you're as frozen as Antarctica’s ice cream. It's not as pleasant though, you don't taste like sweets and goodies, you're a stone bro, a stone.
     His hair? Completely and utterly course and wiry, one touch of that and you'll be bleeding out two pints of crimson faster than you can say "ow," so...basically, he's like a porcupine. His hands are cold, freezing to be exact, like liquid nitrogen. He could touch you with one of those bad boys and you won't know what hit you till you found fragments of collagen and other skin-related tissues.
     Mr. Butzlaff even has deadly snot. Watch out for that sneeze, it will project vile liquid that is notorious for blinding thousands by the nanosecond. Sure, it's green and looks friendly like the leaves of the tree but HELL NO! That stuff can evaporate any hopes and dreams of watching your baby girl walk down the isle. Yeah, think about it. Just because he had a tickle in his nose you can't see your daughter get married. Talk about inconsiderate.
     Don't even get me started on all of his other bodily functions. Take a side step from those sweat glands as well. Ever wondered what someone would look like covered in blood blisters? I haven't but if you're a sick freak and think about that, wonder no further, he can make it happen. It's like the water from his body is at a boiling degree and can burn your skin so severely the blood rises in protest. Sorry, but, ew. Way to go Zach, way to not wear deodorant to clog up those pores. Now dear Aunt Sally has to worry about blood blisters at her next high school reunion.
     What about after his meal? Sometimes you really just have to see a man about a wallaby. In this case, don't enter that toilet chamber anytime soon for the smell of
that raunchy business would don you incapable of moving, swelling up the joints. Yup, paralytic sniff. Talk about that for a lovely treat, walking in to do your thing and suddenly can't move with your drawers at your ankles. What a way to go, sorry Grandma. So then comes the fun part, what really made that stank so deadly?
     I'll give you the answer, his diet, or dare I say...a lack there of. Zach has a habit of eating whatever, wherever, and however. You're trapped in a room with him? Sorry bud, cannibalism is a nice way to kick start a whole meal, you're just a squirming appetizer. Now, the good stuff comes from the land of Oz, Toto? Oh man, he wasn't just in Kansas but on a fast track to a stomach filled of insane gastric juices. Bye bye puppy, you've been served in a good ol' pot pie. Missing a baby? Probably on a rotisserie rod and roasting over a roaring fire. Remember that kitten that you found in the park the other day? Oh yeah, he wasn't an only child. Zach has a habit of hack sawing kittens in two, they taste lovely on crackers apparently. So there you have it, a meal fit for a king (of death.)
     Let's get a few things straight though, when he was welcomed into the world, it wasn't in a bit fit of spit and flames, no, he was popped out of a woman disguised as a wrinkled wad of skin. When he made his first debut it wasn't under some girl's bed or in her closet, it was in school, amongst children. The hunter needs to understand his prey. I have the poor fortune of being one of his prey for this morning Zach was malicious against me in word. Never have I been so offended in my life but before he could start carrying out more sinister deeds I ducked and covered, barely escaping the cynical grasp of Zachary Joel ButtFace.

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